Angela Carole Brown is an award-winning author, poet, multi-media artist, and singer/songwriter, and is involved in the wellness arts. This is her space for telling stories, exploring the creative process, and courting the marvelous caves of self-discovery. All of which reflect the wellness themes of her new book, "HOW THE LIGHT GETS IN: 10 Principles for Reclaiming Your Spirit."
Newborn pups suckling from their mother
who is wary of the stranger stopping to take it all in.
As well she should be for her protection of her young is a wonderful thing to behold.
A lone bloom in a garden full of yet-grown flowers.
A couple on a street corner holding hands and kissing.
Perhaps a little too intimate for public view.
So deliciously meretricious.
A crosswalk box so layered in endless encounters with midnight taggers and their spray paint cans
that it has transcended its civic role and become art.
A fledgling on the pavement before me
whose little life has been lost from falling out of the nest too soon.
The scurrying ants upon it.
The windshield glass in the street shattered into snow and the splats of red upon it.
The ubiquitous yellow tape.
Remnants of a city tragedy that are merely an inevitable part in the tapestry.
A sky that radiates a marbled canvas of unspeakable magnificence.
Or the rolling dark angry eyes of a tempest creeping.
The tiniest thing is mine.
All mine.
To love.
To cherish.
To covet.
To reflect upon.
To mourn.
Perhaps a moment of silence and a bowed head.
Just another day on my morning walk. A meditation.
Until it is someone else’s turn for a captivating discovery.
And then to be able to let it go.
To appreciate its impermanence.
To move on to the next wonder.
The next brush.
The next audacious interception with life in all of its astonishment.
I once opened a fortune cookie to a fortune that was meant for me: You discover treasures where others see nothing unusual.
I DO discover treasures where others see nothing unusual.
It is my proudest trick.
I also brazenly plagiarize fortune cookies.
Angela Carole Brown is the author of three published books, The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, The Kidney Journals: Memoirs of a Desperate Lifesaver, and Trading Fours, and has produced several albums of music and a yoga/mindfulness CD. Bindi Girl Chronicles is her writing blog. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & YouTube.
Hope and Crosby never made a road picture like this!
I wholeheartedly salute two extraordinary young women whom I had the honor to encounter nearly two years ago. They are Holli Rae and Sara Landas, and they have been in the midst of filming their documentary The Goddess Project for some three years now. Their credo: “To set our fears aside, and film other women who are doing the same.”
The film’s premise is simple, yet their journey to make it was a life-changing one for them. It is an intimate look, through interviews, into the lives and inspiration of over 100 women across America, each speaking and baring their souls in a very personal way about their struggles, their inspirations, their contributions, on everything from sisterhood, family, and overcoming fears, to spirituality, aging, body image and sexuality, and speaking in such an honest and disclosing way, toward the purpose of demonstrating real and diverse role models for women of all ages to see and to experience, and to bridge the gaps that have sometimes separated us.
THE STORY
In 2012 Holli and Sara left all of their comforts behind, acquired a vegetable oil-powered school bus (decking it out as only goddesses can!) and took a leap of faith, embarking on a remarkable journey across the US in search of women from every walk of life – artists, activists, mothers, sisters, academics, businesswomen, scholars – all eager to share their stories.
I came across these two lights, or they came across me, because Sara’s dad is a friend and colleague of mine. They came to my home bearing a bouquet of beautiful blooms, and carrying on them their cameras and their great big hearts, and we had a ball talking about life as women, and even shedding a few tears. I believe L.A. was the first wing of their journey, so little did they know at that moment what amazing adventures and encounters were awaiting them.
“Everywhere we stopped, whether it was at a coffee shop or rest stop,
we were amazed by the number of people who wanted us to meet
an inspiring woman in their life . . . This film presents an intimate look at the
universal concerns that we face as women through groundbreaking dialogue . . .”
– Holli & Sara
10,000 miles later, they had amassed hundreds of hours of footage, and had experienced the time of their lives. After the honor of being one of their interviewees, I caught up with them recently, in the midst of their post-production tasks, and asked if they wouldn’t mind being on the other end for a moment.
* * *
ACB:
How did you two meet? And did the idea for this film come out of your blossoming friendship, or did one of you have the idea first, and through or because of the idea met the other?
H&S:
We met in the summer of 2008 on a mountain top! Through sharing stories and making art together, our connection quickly developed into the most co-creative friendship we had ever experienced. As our bond became stronger and our dreams became bolder, we started meeting so many other inspiring women who were also on a path to pursuing their dreams. Meeting these ladies and hearing about their unique journeys of self-discovery inspired us to create The Goddess Project. We saw a need for more empowering stories like theirs in the media and instantly started envisioning how we could share them with the world. We decided to sell everything that we owned, and launched a Kickstarter campaign to raise enough money to fund the production of the project. We promised each other that even if the campaign wasn’t successful, we would still hit the road and find a way to make it work. Our minds were blown away by the incredible people who showed up to help make this film possible. Over 100 people from around the world donated to help us start the project.
Then something even more magical happened! We met a man named Chirp at a music festival, told him about our project, and he offered to give us his vegetable oil-powered bus! Neither of us had ever been given a gift like this from a total stranger, so this act of kindness absolutely blew our minds. This incredibly generous gift was a huge game changer. Then we serendipitously connected with an incredible artist named Michelle Robinson through Tumblr who donated her time to help us transform a little brown school bus into a beautiful, inspiring art car. So we packed our lives into The Goddess Bus and hit the road with two suitcases, our camera equipment, and no idea what we would find!
ACB: Well, we love Chirp! Our angels do come to us in the most unexpected ways, don’t they? And Michelle’s bus art is just so breathtaking in that powerful Sacred Feminine tradition.
As an artist, myself, I find that the ideas I come up with for a book, or a song, or a painting, are usually coming from a place in my soul of lack or need, a hole to be filled, in a sense. Where do you think this idea of interviewing inspiring women came from?
H&S:
We felt frustrated by the constant bombardment of the same stereotypical roles of women in the media. We wanted to see a broader spectrum of female role models, so we decided to put our heads together and come up with a solution!
Movies play a huge role in shaping culture and we need to see more films that empower women rather than perpetuating negative stereotypes and limiting beliefs. We don’t need any more distorted versions of reality telling us that we are not good enough. We are perfect as we are, and more films need to encourage that! We are creating The Goddess Project to remind women of all ages that they are strong, beautiful, and capable of achieving anything they set their minds to!
ACB:
What were you hoping to discover in talking to women across the country, and were your hopes and expectations answered? Or did you find that conversations went in completely different directions than you had planned?
H&S:
We wanted to see what women across America are passionate about, and to discover how similar we all are in our differences. We wanted to know what it’s like to be who they are, and hear about what they have overcome to get there. We wanted to know what their fears are, what they love about themselves, and what they hope to see and become in the future.
We hoped that we would be able to find women who were willing to be open, honest, and real . . . and we ended up finding over a hundred of them! We sat with women from all walks of life; at dinner tables, coffee shops, on horseback, and in parks; to talk about what they felt most called to share. We interviewed artists, mothers, healers, business women, and scholars about the life-changing experiences that shaped them to become who they are today. We talked about everything under the sun, and almost every interview ended in tears.
We learned that many of our fears and obstacles are the same. We learned that women across America want to feel connected and understood. We learned that every story is profound, and that women are ready for more representation. We learned that women across the country are dedicated to bettering themselves and the world around them.
ACB:
As young women, yourselves, looking for positive role models from just such women as you describe, how important was the older demographic among the ones you encountered? And what gold did you get from the younger women? And what ended up being the age range of everyone you interviewed?
H&S: Well, so much gold! We ended up interviewing women from the ages of 18-90! The older women we spoke with absolutely blew our minds because they have come so far and have so much insightful wisdom to share. The younger women inspired us as well because they were so dedicated to pursuing the life of the dreams. Each woman taught us something new about ourselves and the world that we had never seen before. It was an amazing experience to be able to travel from city to city, hearing the collective voices of women and seeing the amazing things that they are doing in their homes and communities!
ACB:
I’ve been following this journey, and it’s been very exciting! In seeing the clips, the beautiful teasers, in the trailers that you’ve made over the past year, I’ve been especially moved by how you left no social demographic out of the loop. As an African-American woman, myself, in this society, it isn’t uncommon for me to feel, at times, a bit left out of the cultural conversation. And, of course, I had the honor of being one of your interviewees! And I have to say, I was completely struck, as I followed your journey, by how much you were so all-inclusive of the radiant array of women of every heritage, station, vocation, age, and every other social orientation. Can you please speak a bit on that? Was it conscious on your part, or were you just walking this path with hearts so open that . . . well, let me let you finish the thought.
H&S: We embarked on this journey with open hearts and planned to interview as many of the most diverse women as we could find. We definitely made a conscious effort to be all-inclusive when it came to our interviewees because we know that all women out there are seeking inspiration and in most of the media, women, especially those of color, are lacking representation.
As we made our way across the country, we ended up finding women in the most serendipitous and magical ways. Initially we reached out to them through the internet and by word of mouth, but as we traveled from city to city our brightly painted bus became a magnet that attracted amazing women everywhere we went! At each destination we were approached by women from all walks of life who felt called to share their stories. Having the opportunity to connect with all of these unique women opened our minds to so many different perspectives, and as we got to know each of them we also realized just how similar so many of our fears and obstacles are. We learned that although each of our individual journeys looks so different from the outside, there are similar threads that connect us all. We are so excited to weave this beautiful web of women’s stories together, so that we can bridge the gaps that separate us from one another and inspire people everywhere to create positive change in their own lives!
ACB:
Please talk a little, if you don’t mind, about some of the more unexpected things that occurred on your journey. Any interesting hurdles? Especially considering that you were living on the most menial of resources.
H&S:
We both love camping and road trips, so going into the journey we weren’t too worried about life on the road! That said, the reality of living for 6 months in an amenity-free bus (sometimes in 100 degree heat) ended up being a lot more challenging at times than we had anticipated! Most of our showers consisted of baby wipes and Dr. Bronner’s, and we spent a lot of time peeing in cups if there wasn’t a bathroom nearby. We quickly learned how to live off just the bare necessities, but also discovered how many amazing people there are out there ready and willing to help you out in a time of need! One night, we found ourselves trying to get some sleep in our bus in New Orleans when it was still blazing hot outside and we were in a bad part of town, so we had to keep the windows shut. We lay there pouring water on ourselves, wondering if we could survive the night in that kind of heat. Suddenly there was a knock at our door. It was a woman we had met earlier that day who insisted we come stay with her. We followed her back to her place just down the street and had a beautiful night’s sleep in her air-conditioned den. Everyday we faced new hurdles as we stepped into the unknown, but we stayed open and our intuitions always led us right where we needed to be!
ACB: Was there anything that scared you about taking on a vision as monumental as this? Doubts, at any point, about the leaps of faith you were taking, not only to go on this journey, but the leaps of faith in each other?
H&S:
From the very moment we made the decision that this is what we were going to do, we committed wholeheartedly to it! We did have our fears about taking on something this big, but we made the choice that no matter how things unfolded, whether we rallied the support or not, we were going to make this film happen! Three years into the journey and we can definitely say we had no idea how much work was going to go into bringing this film to life, but everyday we work together to keep our vision strong. When one of us is feeling doubtful or overwhelmed, the other one is always there reminding us of the importance of this project and why we have to keep pushing forward! Taking on something this big is a lot more manageable when you’re sharing the weight with your best friend!
ACB:
SERIOUSLY amen! Who have been your personal heroes, who have helped to build you into the strong young women you are today? Either personal, or in history? And why?
H&S:
One of our personal heroes is Eve Ensler. From her playwriting to her global activism, she is a force of nature! She is a woman who has devoted her life to being a voice of change, and an example of how instrumental just one person can be in changing the lives of so many! We were lucky enough to have her reach out to us when we were about half way through the journey, and her organization One Billion Rising became a producer of the film! We are so honored to have her on board, she is such an inspiration to us!
ACB:
Eve Ensler is truly a special being on the planet. You’re definitely speaking my language. So, what is ultimately the legacy you’d like to leave?
H&S:
There is this great quote by Albert Pine: ” What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world is immortal.” We want to use what little time we have in this life to use the talents we have to create art that helps raise the consciousness on the planet and empowers others to overcome their fears and live the lives of their dreams!
ACB:
You two are an inspiration, and the world needs to know about The Goddess Project. I have felt incredibly humbled to have had some small part in this, and to have been able to watch it grow beyond all expectation, as your journey unfolded. I raise my proverbial glass to you two bright beacons for change and liberation, Holli Rae and Sara Landas. Thank you so much for chatting with me.
* * *
THE GOAL
The larger goal, of course, is the film itself, and everything that it stands to shift in our consciousness. But the immediate goal is one that can use our help. Holli and Sara have a Kickstarter campaign in the works, to help raise enough money to complete the post-production on a film that is truly important and needs to be out there. If you’re feeling even the slightest bit philanthropic ($1 even!), I urge you to consider being a part of this game-changing, transformational project. You honestly couldn’t choose a nobler investment. The deadline to raise their pledge is Friday, Aug 22, 2014, 3:33 PM PDT.
If NOTHING ELSE, please take 4 minutes to watch this newest trailer, and I defy you to not be inspired.
Congratulations to Sara and Holli for successfully reaching their funding goal! It was all because of you, the supporters. That means there will be an extraordinary film coming our way in 2015. Brava, ladies! And bravo to all the philanthropists who made it possible.
Angela Carole Brown is the author of three published books, The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, The Kidney Journals: Memoirs of a Desperate Lifesaver, and Trading Fours, and has produced several albums of music and a yoga/mindfulness CD. Bindi Girl Chronicles is her writing blog. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & YouTube.
I’ve spent the last 30 years as part of an industry that I have never loved. And, frankly, it has never loved me, though I take pause even with that assertion. Does it really love anyone? Or is it merely more tolerable and pliant and giving (and forgiving) to the ones who have the gift for manipulating it? I don’t. Have the gift, that is. I never did.
Now, let me preface everything that follows with the pronouncement that I have had a fortunate career (writer and musician are my vocations). It’s never been large. Never global. But the shelves are always stocked. There’s always content. And I am blessed.
Here, however, is the crux of my quagmire. I have always resisted working the system. And I’ve had people in my life literally shake my shoulders with, “what’s wrong with you!” Especially when they know me well, and know that as equal as is my great skill of ignoring the system, is also, paradoxically, my great desire to thrive within it.
There’s the time I had a foreign record deal. I was in a state of ridiculous elation over having scored this. And when I was overseas promoting it, I was asked in an interview what I thought of my hit song. (Yes, I had a hit song in this particular country many moons ago.) The truth was, I hated it. I thought it was poorly composed, and I was angry at the phenomenon that merely based on this particular writer/producer’s reputation and popularity in the community that his song (ostensibly my song) was an instant hit. Did anyone out there ever actually stop to consider if the song was good? …. had been my perplexed self-questions.
I reflect now back to the day we recorded the song, at the legendary Capitol Records, which gave me a total thrill independent of the dreck I was about to record, and the knot in my gut over said dreck. And I remember having a hard time connecting with the song, and therefore failing to deliver any semblance of an authentic take. I sounded terrible to myself. So I asked the man producing the track, the songwriter, to please tell me what the song meant. I didn’t understand the seemingly disconnected lyrics, but felt it was only fair to give him the benefit of the doubt, and assume first that I just didn’t get something, that it was over my head, rather than to assume it was simply lazy writing. When he, very frustratingly, said to me, and clearly done with me wasting his time, “What do you mean, what does it mean? Just sing the damn song!” I knew in that instant that we’d all sold our souls to the devil.
Now back (or forward, as it were) to being interviewed about it. Why would anyone even ask me IF I liked the song? I’d recorded it. I’d been complicit in the crime. I was here promoting it. Why wouldn’t they just assume I liked it? Instead, as if I were wearing my guilt and shame on my forehead, they would ask me, in their barely conjugated English, if I liked my big, giant hit. And I suddenly felt like that old commercial about E.F. Hutton, where everyone turns their head in my direction, and shuts up. If there was any part of my soul that hadn’t yet become the Devil’s bitch, I owed it to said part.
And so I said, so sheepishly that if I’d had testicles they’d’ve been sucked right up inside of me: “No.”
The room went bedlam. Seriously. And bedlam in a foreign language is just white noise, but the gist was pretty clear.
I was properly schooled and ripped a new one, later on that day by a label rep, on the obligation that is mine to play the game, and oh, I don’t know, maybe think about being a little bit gracious for this opportunity you’ve been given in the first place, Miss Brown. There wasn’t a single thing that was said to me in this rant that wasn’t absolutely correct, and what I deserved. I’d signed on for this ride. It had been responsible for a lot of money in my pocket (fleeting though that was), my first jaunt abroad, and the potential for who-knew-how-many doors to be opened for me. And now it was time to help sell this thing, to help make its investors their money back, to help us all get somewhere in this business. I was obedient for the rest of the trip.
Needless to say, they were not interested in renewing my contract for a second album. It was “good riddance to that arrogant chick.” I cannot blame them. I’d been their liability with that one little powerful word. And yet once I got back to the States, and resumed my life, I was beyond frustrated with my failed efforts to parlay that experience into something more, bigger, better, a roll, a continuing relationship with that record company. And I genuinely did not understand how that closed door might’ve had anything to do with my unwillingness to be a company man.
Okay, here’s just one more example of my industry and me being at odds, and then I’ll leave it alone, because truth be told I’ve got examples by the droves, but I’m sure you have my dynamic by now.
My second literary agent (I’ve been through two, with no book deal between them) seriously believed in my writing. The way she praised me, she could not have been any better for my ego. She’d read two of my manuscripts (one of which is now The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, which came out last year, published under my own imprint, because I’ve never managed to get that book deal), and she thought I was someone very special. She also stated quite frankly to me, in agreeing to take me on, that her specialty was selling romance writers, but that she so believed in me that she would try this area that was not even her expertise, which is the general fiction/literary fiction genre.
When all efforts were exhausted to get me a deal, she took a meeting with me, and urged me to consider writing romance novels. I told her that I’d never read them, but had a good impression of what we were talking here, and that it was of no interest to me. She gave me a handful of books by some of her authors, encouraged me to learn what the genre was about, and to at least consider it. Her spiel was that she didn’t have a clue how to sell a literary novel (not the most popular in this age’s quick-read-bathroom-reading-airport-reading-breezy-formula culture), but that romance she knew, and she knew it well, and she could make us both a lot of money.
I took the books home, read a couple of them, and my stomach churned at how much I disliked them. And not the specific books themselves, or the writing, per se, but the formula. Which includes: That the conflict in the story always be external, never internal. It needs to be about someone or some thing/institution getting in your protagonist’s way from her (almost always a her) intended pursuit (romance, of course). It is never about internal conflicts and psychological dynamics being the barriers to a protagonist’s road. It is never intended to be an exploration of soul or the human condition. And the result must always be that she gets her man. Not my kind of book. I want my guts turned inside out by a book. So, as a reader, I knew what kind of writer I wanted to be … what kind of writer I was.
I prayed so hard on this, because I knew that I was just a “yes” away from possibly making my name as a writer (my agent was confident that she could do right by me). And that was damned enticing. Yet, in the end, I chose not to go that path. My conversation with self and God was that life was too short, and my creative voice too precious to exert any amount of energy writing something that I did not love. Self-important? Well, yes. I believe there should be no shame in believing that what we are put on this earth to do is important.
So, there you go. This is what I do. I derail.
In all of my frustrations over the years with continuing to be what many would call “small time” with my artistic pursuits, it almost never dawns on me my own culpability in the deed, and my seeming penchant for self-sabotage. And so I’ve remained, for better and for worse, a loiterer in this business. Someone who doesn’t really belong here, but who has hovered around the fringes long enough to actually be somewhat of a tiny institution, a familiarity (even loved by some, which always humbles me), but almost never invited to come inside and sit at the grownup table. That’s the “worse” part; that because of my own stubborn, self-important machinations, I may never be lauded on that scale of which I’ve always dreamed.
But then there’s the “better” part. I have carved for myself a voice, a brand. It is unique. Some love it, others not so much. That’s okay. It has perseverance. It has legs. Even in spite of the many closed doors. And it is here that my penchant for stubbornness and hardheadedness actually works FOR me.
Doing it on my terms is the surest way to sleep soundly at night. To keep my soul clean, and my legacy one I’ll never, ever have to disclaim. It is who I am. It not only nourishes my spirit, but keeps me firmly grounded in integrity.
Opportunities may have passed me by. Many never offered. But my voice, as an artist, writer, songsmith, singer, is strong and immovable. It is oak. And I am learning to let go of regrets. It’s a rancid lesson sometimes, full of painful dawnings. Because what I do know about myself is that I always seem to take 4 steps when 2 would do the job. There is just a make-it-happen! gene that I seem to be missing. But I also can’t help believing that if I had managed to master the chops of working the system, that I simply would be a different artist. And, frankly, I’m kinda partial to the one I’ve cultivated.
Is this about reclaiming my better self? Fostering grace? After more than a decade lingering in and out of minor depression? Self-doubt? Bitterness at my industry? Bitterness at having to age while still holding onto that rung of my youth-worshipping business? I think it may well be. It also could be a mass of rationalizations. But then again, what is that? Just a way of accepting, really. That the here and now is all that matters. That our efforts and our contributions, and even our sometime inability to make things happen, will render whatever it renders. And whatever that is….is a part of our story. And is okay.
That’s a far more peaceful way to live. I’m opting for that. Non-attachment to outcome. Just do. Because truth be told, I have ridiculous stretches of creative productivity, and they are always accompanied by joy. Is there a better way to live than that?
Life has unfolded for me exactly as it was meant to. The rocks that have been thrown in my way (or that I’ve tossed in my own way) have built a certain muscle on me. Some walk between the raindrops, and get everything easily. I know many of that type. I have a good life, a blessed life. But I am not that person. And if I were, frankly I’m fairly certain that I would be unmanageable. So, I do believe I am a better person because of the path that has been selected for me.
And yes, that means I was destined to be the difficult one. The one you just can’t reason with, when an opportunity is being offered. Stubborn to a fault.
Oy. There are worse mantles, I guess.
Angela Carole Brown is the author of three published books, The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, The Kidney Journals: Memoirs of a Desperate Lifesaver, and Trading Fours, and has produced several albums of music and a yoga/mindfulness CD. Bindi Girl Chronicles is her writing blog. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & YouTube.
Well, here we are. We did it! And we got a 30-second-long earthquake as the celebratory party favor and noisemaker! Whoooo-hooo! (Those of you in the L.A. area know what I’m talking about)
In all seriousness, when I first started this, I asked a friend if he’d do the fast with me so that I could have a support system. He came on board enthusiastically, and so I want to thank Ross Wright for being so willing. He actually started a few days after me, so he’s still going at it. When I called him to check in on my last day, I told him he was free to stop if he wanted. And he said “no, I’m gonna see this through,” which made me smile. What I never realized, by blogging about this adventure, was just how much of an extended support system I would end up having. My running joke has always been that I wonder if Bindi Girl Chronicles even exists, if no one tunes in. You know, that whole bear in the woods things? Because I’ve tended to feel the presence of the wasteland here. Cyberspace can be a cruel mistress. So, imagine my surprise to discover a genuine rooting section, as I’ve peeled away each layer and each day. Some even feeling the inspiration to try something like this themselves. My heart is incredibly warmed and humbled by your presence on my quest. Which is why I shout “WE did it!” So, not only do I thank my friend Ross, I thank YOU.
Today has been a good day. Contemplative, as you might imagine. Wondering about all the shifts and changes, both internally and externally, physiologically and spiritually, overt and covert, instantaneous and yet-to-be-discovered, that may have taken place during this time of privation, fortifying, prostration, and inward-turning. It hasn’t necessarily been a quiet time. Especially emotionally. But it has been an astonishing time.
When I looked back today over all the blog entries of this journey, I wondered if the shorter entries were because I just couldn’t get inspired, perhaps was downtrodden that day. And then I realized that the size and length did not necessarily correlate with a good or bad day. Quite the contrary, some of my longest entries were about very taxing days. In fact, my shortest entry had been a peaceful day. All systems were go. The engine was running smoothly. And therefore, there simply wasn’t much to report. Then again, my most buoyant day beget the longest of the entries. No rhyme or reason, kind of like life itself, in all of its magnificent abstract and bebop free form.
Today’s juice was beets, beet greens, spinach, and cucumber. It tasted so lovely that I could almost picture it as a warm beverage for a cozy evening.
My meditation happened later in the day today, and the theme seemed to be compassion and equanimity. When I’ve referred in past entries to the “themes” of my meditation, I haven’t been referring to anything I’ve deliberately set out to ponder before I close my eyes. I close my eyes, and these issues, themes, lessons, whatever you want to call them, show up. Sometimes, no theme at all shows up, and I’m merely meant to quiet my head. But today, compassion and equanimity were definitely floating like a haze over me, and I know that I have been challenged in that area of late, so there’s no mystery as to why it would make itself present.
What have I been hoping for this observance of Lent to do for me? I think, slow me down a bit in certain areas of my life. Areas where beauties are missed, where stress and hyperactivity rule, where over there is more meaningful than right here. And in other areas I’ve been hoping to speed up, show up, get into action. Areas where complacency or fear have clinched my ankles and caused me great frustration and despair. Wanting to appreciate impermanence. Wanting to be made weightless by non-attachment to outcome, and to recognize the beauty and wisdom in creating for its own sake. Wanting to love exactly who I am, without judgment and chastening. Embracing imperfection, and finding that a little perfect. A tempering of narcissism. Having the ability to listen to and honor every voice and every story, and to really get that someone else’s isn’t rendered valid ONLY if I can claim the same experience. Center. Ground. Clarity. And letting go. And letting go. And letting so.
So, have I achieved any of that? Have the plate tectonics shifted at all? I guess I’ll see, as my life goes on and I operate in it.
But what I do know for sure, today, is that I’ve set a groundwork for ongoing self-tending and soul-tending. Let there be no doubt about it, I am on the precipice of profound self-awakening. I am completely geared for an embarrassment of riches. I find beauty in everything. And I express my gratitude to the Source everyday. The tools are in place. So bring it on. Whatever it is. The blessing and the challenge. I am ready for the responsibility of my Buddha mantle.
Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light comes in.
― Leonard Cohen
Here’s wishing us all vigilant healing and constant transformation.
Angela Carole Brown is the author of three published books, The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, The Kidney Journals: Memoirs of a Desperate Lifesaver, and Trading Fours, and has produced several albums of music and a yoga/mindfulness CD. Bindi Girl Chronicles is her writing blog. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & YouTube.
Why didn’t I think to post pics this entire time! Today is quite possibly the most energetic day I’ve had in some long time, so I’ve just been bopping around my house juicing and taking pics like a madwoman. But I’ll only inflict this one on you.
My yummy watermelon and ginger from yesterday just HAD to have a revisit today.
Especially after the disappointing green batch I made this morning. Here I am on Day 9, when all experiments should’ve been perfected by this point, and today’s was the least palatable batch yet. AND, I was stuck with it, because today I worked my office job, took my jug o’ juice with me, and my sippy cup, and hadn’t bothered to do a taste test before I left home. I wouldn’t exactly say it was vile; it was just really pungent and bitter. It was more of the dandelion and chard from yesterday, which are pretty bitter greens anyway, but I’d already successfully used that combo, so it must’ve been just an unfortunate ratio of the greens with my apples and lemon. In any case, each sip was met with a grimace, but it’s all I had to fuel me for the day.
Thankfully my boss came to the rescue with some pineapple slices she had, and a blender, and I got the chance to rescue the rest of the batch. Thanks, Karla!
So you can see my need to come home to a wine glass filled with… (any other time in my life, that sentence would be finished with “a nice cab”)….my watermelon elixir.
Okay, I lied, here’s one more pic. Man, I have a lot of energy right now. Hyper, party of one! My little Zen girl certainly has a thing or two to teach me about meditation, doesn’t she? Look at that focus. Yeah, I’m pretty hyper.
In all seriousness, my meditation this morning was a doozy! It seemed to ring with themes of forgiveness. But I was a good long way into it, as I wondered whom I needed to be forgiving in my life, or whom I’m needed to be asking forgiveness from, before I was suddenly hit with the dawning that the answer to both was ME. Forgiving myself the difficult realities about myself. We all have them, don’t we? Those pesky little “difficult realities.” We try to buff them up, better them, put a little spit shine on them. Or we try to tuck them away and pretend they aren’t there. We rationalize them, justify them, or we self-berate. But it really all comes down to this: We can transform, evolve, improve who we are, learn something new every day, open our hearts, practice compassion, and yet at the end of the day we are not perfect specimens. We aren’t designed to be. And so all of those rough edges, the warts, the fears and defenses that still insist on lingering there, even with all the soul work we may do….that’s where forgiveness comes in. That’s where we’re tested to see if we can love and embrace the shadow as well as the benevolent characters in our personal army. Because they all have a role to play in shaping who we are, and how we walk in the world. They all have a lesson to offer.
And by no means am I saying don’t do the work. We should always be working toward transformation. Just don’t forget the self-forgiveness. It’s a pretty powerful ingredient in the recipe. Without it, it’s kind of like my bitter green juice today …. something vital missing.
And finally to recognize that we’re always evolving, and so wherever we are on the path is the right place to be for that moment. That’s a HUGE one for me. A mountain. And not just any mountain. Everest.
So the work continues.
Angela Carole Brown is the author of three published books, The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, The Kidney Journals: Memoirs of a Desperate Lifesaver, and Trading Fours, and has produced several albums of music and a yoga/mindfulness CD. Bindi Girl Chronicles is her writing blog. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & YouTube.
Day 8 finished as uneventfully as it began, though I have to give a great big “thank you” to Kelly Phillips of Kona for the incredible suggestion of watermelon juice with ginger. That was my dessert, and it was easily the best taste sensation I’ve had on this fast.
The green concoction was back to some interesting dandelion greens and chard. That’s a pretty bitter-tasting combination, so copious amounts of carrots and lemon helped to make it palatable.
My meditation got the short shrift today, for the first time. There were just things to do around the house, commitments on the computer that needed my attention, and by the time I could fit it in, the distractions were prevalent. It was the briefest, and most uncommitted, of the efforts so far. I have to wonder if there wasn’t something in the back of my mind that thought, “well, I meditated TWICE yesterday. Can’t I get a day off?” It’s silly to think, but that may well have been in the back of my subconscious.
But as far as emotional lows, or upheavals, no, Day 8 has been normal and even-keeled. Thankful for that.
I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. Day 9 approaches, and a sense of something important has definitely been felt in my bones.
Angela Carole Brown is the author of three published books, The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, The Kidney Journals: Memoirs of a Desperate Lifesaver, and Trading Fours, and has produced several albums of music and a yoga/mindfulness CD. Bindi Girl Chronicles is her writing blog. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & YouTube.
And . . . follow the bouncing ball! Yes, folks, she’s up, she’s down, she’s up again, she’s . . .
feeling MUCH better today than yesterday. Day 7. Three more days to go. And though I’m not sure at this point whether I’ll continue longer after Day 10, I do know for certain that I’ll never give up the practice of regular juicing. It will remain an integral part of my eating routine. There’s been some weight loss, a clearing of brain fog, and I swear my eyesight is just a little bit better. Zero joint pain, which has tended to be an issue for me. Which means that the physiological experience of change and betterment is definitely measurable. The psychological, emotional, and spiritual wing of this old body….that’s a little harder to quantify. I think if shifts are happening, they’ll become more apparent with time.
My meditation was very early this morning, as I needed to go to my office job, and it was so centering and soothing that I think it set the tone for my groundedness today. I took my sippy cup filled with my green concoction to work, but neglected to take the 2-liter jug with the rest of today’s meals. So I was pretty starving by the time I got home at 5:45. But before going home, I needed to do my shopping for tomorrow, and this time carrots were in the mix. I was feeling one of those hankerings again, so I got home and quickly juiced up the carrots, and added a little nutmeg in the glass. Yummy!
Though my own sense of center seemed firmly in place today, after yesterday’s dumps, there was some sad news received. A singer I distantly knew, and had sung some gigs with, passed away today, and though I didn’t know her well, people who are dear to my heart DID know her well, and I got to experience the heartbreak of people I love. So, though I’d already meditated this morning, I did another sit this evening, in memory of the lovely Chrissy, and all those who loved her.
For that matter, it seems I have been losing people all around me lately (this wasn’t even the first death this week of someone I’d known.) These passings have sobered and humbled me, made me thankful for the life I live, and the people who love me, and the dawning that opting for solutions to struggles, which is what I’m trying to do with this Lenten observance, has even more of my respect and my cherishing. This is sacred space.
Interesting how it sometimes takes death to remind us to live.
Angela Carole Brown is the author of three published books, The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, The Kidney Journals: Memoirs of a Desperate Lifesaver, and Trading Fours, and has produced several albums of music and a yoga/mindfulness CD. Bindi Girl Chronicles is her writing blog. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & YouTube.
This will be brief. A down day. Still resolved, but so paralyzed by some personal issues that it’s been difficult to get up and do, today. My meditation didn’t happen until later in the afternoon, but was so welcomed and warm. It is definitely my haven and sanctuary when I’m feeling helpless. I just really tried to open my heart and listen.
Spinach, apples, and ginger. A simpler meal than some of the recipes in the past few days, because, like I said, I just couldn’t get up and do.
There was a moment as evening approached when I seriously wanted to bail on this. But I didn’t. And I haven’t. It’s the genuine first of those in these six days, so I’m trying not to beat myself up. Hey, this is what goes with the territory, the open wounds and emotional ups and downs of any kind of prayer and fasting. I’ve isolated a bit today, as I’ve feared being short with anyone who might speak to me.
Except for a lovely phone call from my sister, who had just finished reading the first installment of this journey, and was calling to tell me how inspired she was by it. How it resonated close to home with her. And it had me thinking about how there seems to just be this environment all around us right now of people feeling discord with their lives, a general sense of disconnection, and the fierce, restless desire to call upon solutions. I’ve believed for some time that a paradigm shift globally, spiritually, has been in place, a crack in the door, where just the tiniest sliver of light comes through, to assure the planet that there is better possible, but in order for the light to be more than just a sliver, we have to open that door by awakening and expanding our consciousness. So, it really struck me in a profound way to have my sister confirm similar feelings.
Look, a fasting & meditation isn’t going to be everyone’s answer to addressing issues and seeking clarity; it’s just the one I’m trying right now. But to be able to create a dialogue with others about the need for…something, whatever that might be for each person, to up the ante on our lives, to opt for peace of spirit …. is kind of extraordinary.
Angela Carole Brown is the author of three published books, The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, The Kidney Journals: Memoirs of a Desperate Lifesaver, and Trading Fours, and has produced several albums of music and a yoga/mindfulness CD. Bindi Girl Chronicles is her writing blog. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & YouTube.
Well, folks, apparently Day 5 was so ordinary and uneventful that I forgot to blog at the end of it. So here it is at dawn on Day 6 and I’m doing a little catch up. That’s the good news! A day so uneventful that… No emotional mood swings. No hunger pangs. Energy!
I did have my first moment of hankering for a taste sensation. So far it’s been nothing but green juice in one form or another. So on my walk (yes, exercising for the second day in a row), as I was heading back home, I stopped in a market to buy 2 apples and 2 peaches. I took them home and juiced up just those items, and rendered the loveliest, almost creamsicle tasting concoction. It was dessert!
Day 5 was a crucial day because I was scheduled to be interviewed on the radio show American Vernacular to discuss my new novel and other fun topics, and all I could think after shutting my eyes on the emotional roller-coaster that had been Day 4 was, “I can NOT be in this head space tomorrow for this interview, or it’ll be a disaster.” Well, like I said, I woke up with energy, and stayed that way, and the interview turned out to be incredibly fun and rewarding.
My morning’s meditation was lovely. If the last two days’ “themes” were Mindfulness and The Coward, then Day 5’s Lenten theme was Prana (breath). In fact, I believe prana directly translates from Sanskrit as “lifeforce.” There’s definitely something about waking up on your fifth day of pretty austere eating (drinking) rituals, yet feeling more energetic than you have in some long while. It doesn’t make logical sense, and yet here I am. So my focus in the sit, with my eyes closed and my hands in gyan mudra, was pranayama, or the practice of mindful breathing, which is always essential in oxygenating the chakra centers and the body’s systems, and quieting the mind.
My day’s batch had already been juiced from having made an over-abundance the day before (the dandelion greens, chard, celery, apples, lemon, and ginger). So there was very little in the way of labors to get me through this day. Like I said, uneventful. Even peaceful. Which makes this blog entry a shorter one than the others before it.
I think a certain zone or flow has hit, friends, a full immersion into an energized focus and complete absorption of purpose. And I am in deep gratitude for getting this far, for realizing just how little my body actually requires to attain health and wellness, and that we’re so accustomed to over-indulgence that we equate it with need (and then the next thing we know we find ourselves regularly sick and rundown, and that’s considered the norm), and lastly, I am in gratitude for entering this new space where mindfulness, centering, and connectedness seem to be in abundance.
Now that I think about it, maybe Day 5’s theme is actually Gratitude.
Have a blessed day.
Angela Carole Brown is the author of three published books, The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, The Kidney Journals: Memoirs of a Desperate Lifesaver, and Trading Fours, and has produced several albums of music and a yoga/mindfulness CD. Bindi Girl Chronicles is her writing blog. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & YouTube.
I recently watched a documentary called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, about a man who documented his 60-day juice fast. He’d felt at the end of his rope health-wise, and was subsisting, at the age of 42, on an artillery of pills for a myriad of ailments. On his journey, where he traveled across the United States telling his story while drinking his green juice, he came across a few most unlikely candidates, who latched onto his journey and made it their own. These were people who, like him, simply felt as though they’d somehow, somewhere along the line, lost self, lost purpose, and rather than living were merely surviving. I remember as I began watching it, thinking, “well, this isn’t new information for me, but it’s always good to get a reminder.” But then there came a moment that truly got my attention, and made me obsessed enough to watch this movie two more times before sticking it back in the mailbox. Not only did these participants’ health turn around (how could it not, when you’re talking about concentrated, mega doses of micro-nutrients a day?), but something in their entire psychological and spiritual paradigm shifted. A serious reboot of mind, body, and spirit seemed to have occurred. And lately that is something I’ve been feeling an almost desperate need for in my own life.
Something’s been wrong. I’ve felt overwhelmed by finances and survival, and though I am an artist to my bones, I’ve been creating very little. The novel that released almost a year ago now has barely received much marketing nurturing from me. I would tell myself that I believed in a universe that would take my deserving labors into it, and would not let those labors just flounder in the sea, no matter how unmotivated I may have been. I was clearly ignoring whatever the universe might’ve had to say about effort. Even this blog hadn’t been given any love since my last post three months ago. My own health, fitness, and wellness is okay, but I want more than okay. And I’ve begun to isolate socially and emotionally from those I love, or even just like. And I realized as I watched this movie that I, too, felt I was merely surviving, and no longer living.
I’m a big believer in synchronicity. I encounter it constantly, and always experience moments of absolute bliss when it occurs. So, right as I was obsessing over this movie, I also happened to read a quote on Facebook, credited to Homeboy Industries, an interpretation of Lent that spoke directly to my own practices of meditation and turning inward.
“The giving up of something you enjoy is to quiet the mind and recognize how caught up we are in what we think we need. Lent is a time of reflection and centering and to remind ourselves that what we need is inside of us.”
Amen.
I’m not Catholic, and have never observed Lent before (born and raised Baptist, now living largely with the tenets of the Buddha Dharma). But my own spiritual approach has always been completely inclusive of any rituals that resonate with my heart and soul from all the traditions. So, what the hell, let’s participate in Lent this year. Of course, I came to this resolution ten days into Lent, but I also realized that for me it wasn’t about the number of days, but simply about participating in something for however long I could, somewhere during this stretch of time called Lent. It was a symbol.
From the moment I decided to participate, I knew that a juice fast was going to be the chosen sacrifice. Lent and this documentary couldn’t’ve both been roiling in my head at the same time for any other reason. And for me, it seemed too easy just to give up wine, or coffee, or chocolate, or whatever (the typical choices I always hear about). I wanted it to be something truly challenging, because if the ante wasn’t high enough then I just didn’t see any kind of genuine transformation being a part of the deal. So, I decided to do 10 days of a juice fast, inspired by Joe Cross’ adventure, coupled with an intensive meditation. To quiet my mind, and invite the truth to show itself to me. To actively seek to forgive myself whatever realities I’ve clearly felt needed punishing. To feed my body with only what it needs, and not what I think it needs (in this environment that I’ve created of learning to self-medicate and to numb). To get really, seriously, ridiculously focused, which the ritual of juicing pounds of vegetables every day, and cleaning the multi-parts juicer everyday, and getting in lotus position everyday, and saying “no” to every waft of food that comes your way everyday, will give you. There’s no meditating in the movie, but I decided to include meditation because suddenly the age-old tradition of “prayer and fasting” was very attractive to me.
I am open to the possibility that if I’m feeling the need for further, come Day 10, I’ll extend the fast beyond that (I can tell you now, it won’t be the 60 days that Joe Cross accomplished). And am resolved that if I do make it to Day 10, and don’t crumble at Day 5, it will be a triumph beyond words. No other options exist.
I chose a day to start, and even got a friend on board to do it with me, so that a sense of community, of a support system, of checking in every day and keeping each other honest, would be set firmly in place. And today is that day. Leading up to today, I experienced the weirdest and widest berth of emotions about it. Dread – that I would not succeed, that I would bail after Day 2 because my caffeine and sugar addiction would get the better of me and have me climbing the walls. Hope – that I might actually come out of this 10 days changed, transformed, bettered. Anxiety – that a social commitment would challenge my ability to stick with this; because, what are we if not social animals who congregate over food and libations? And honor – to be entering into this ritual that I see as sacred space.
My first instinct was to share this journey publicly. Facebook here I come! Then I thought, no, not this one. This one requires quiet. Then a third thought came to me. That if I blogged about the journey (no, it’s not a travelogue to the Himalayas, or across an ocean, merely an internal one), then I would be made to stay honest, to commit, to see this all the way through. Otherwise there’s just public humiliation, and we all know how fun that can be. But there was something deeper to the thought, as well. A connection. Sharing my journey means opening my heart. Maybe even inspiring someone else who may be feeling lost. Just as a Netflix DVD changed my world one night.
So, here I am. Day 1.
I awoke with excitement, and immediately went from my bed to my meditation altar, lit my candles, drew my mantra for the day, and then closed my eyes and did what I do. Sometimes meditation can completely cocoon me in the comfort and warmth of meaning. Other times I can be quite antsy and distracted. It happens. Every day is different. Today I was cocooned. When I was done, I walked right over to my kitchen and juiced up the pile of vegetables and fruit I’d bought the night before. I was stunned at how little juice that huge pile of veggies actually made, and instantly realized I’d need a lot more vegetables every day to make this work, and to keep me from feeling starved. But the juice was tasty (I made enough for all of my meals today), so the first effort has been a triumph. Today’s combination is spinach, kale, celery, apples, a whole lemon, and copious amounts of ginger. I made sure, as I prepared for this day, to collect as many juicing recipes as I could find, so that the creature of habit in me wouldn’t end up making the same thing every day, and growing bored, and quitting.
So far, so good. No panic seems to have hit. I’ll call my friend who’s doing this with me a little later on to see how he’s doing. But I’ll check in at the end of every one of these ten days, document where I am, and promise to be honest about how I’m feeling. There are sure to be some cranky moments, but if I keep clear and present about what I’m trying to accomplish, I think the crankiness will be kept to a minimum. Or it’ll be the steepest mountain I’ve ever had to climb. Either one works for me, because I’m ready to take this on.
Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love, offers a thought that does my heart good as I go forth into Prayer-&-Fasting Land.
“If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, anything from your house to bitter old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.”
That’s good enough for me. See you all tomorrow.
P.S. Speaking of synchronicity, the very next day after reading the Homeboy Industries quote on Lent, I was driving to Union Station in Downtown LA, and drove right by a large building with “Homeboy Industries” in big, bold letters on top of it. I just had to stop in to find out about them. Wow! Check them out, if you’re so inclined. Homeboy Industries
Angela Carole Brown is the author of three published books, The Assassination of Gabriel Champion, The Kidney Journals: Memoirs of a Desperate Lifesaver, and Trading Fours, and has produced several albums of music and a yoga/mindfulness CD. Bindi Girl Chronicles is her writing blog. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & YouTube.
Bindi Girl Chronicles 